Feeling Good-Somebody Stop Me

The good, the bad and the ugly.

I’m feeling good, this is amazing! What can I accomplish in the next day, tomorrow, next week or month that is going to benefit me when I can’t do anything in between.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

Somebody stop me!

Around the end of July I had three or four really good days in a row and I was so excited. I thought - yes, I’m going to have some predictable balance, so bad and good days I can do this. Some days are better than others, but every day is hard. I was so wrong. Those few good days were followed by many bad days.

I feel like everything I do I have to push myself to do it, nothing comes easily, this is the hardest part. Whether it's making breakfast, watering the plants, taking a walk, going to the bathroom, taking a shower or even talking on the phone. EVERYTHING requires big effort and a constant pushing of myself to do it.

I think OK today I don’t have to do anything , I’m not going to push myself I’m just going to be. I try to find a show to watch on TV and I’ve got enough prednisone in me to make me antsy and I need something to do but yet my body is fatigued. My mind is not connecting well and is fuzzy. My vision is blurry. My body hurts if I stay busy I can ignore some of that but to stay busy does require me to push myself and it’s exhausting.

I started physical therapy this week. She wanted me to come three times a week but the thought of that just stresses me out completely. I want to come every two weeks but we agreed on once a week. I don’t know why it causes me anxiety to think that I’ve got to go someplace just a few blocks from my home.

It’s very stressful for me to make appointments and set times for anything. I think any kind of an appointment causes me anxiety and I just don't know if I will feel like pushing myself to go. Bloodwork, physical therapy, behavioral therapy, MRIs, Dr Appointments and then having a social life and not even talking about not being able to do my job.

Maybe it’s my mood because I’m not really sure I want to go anywhere or do anything maybe it’s because I don’t know if I will physically able or feel like it. I’m just tired of pushing myself.