Coping - anxiety, tears, and fears

Everthing is twice as hard…… Mentally and physically

My primary care physician said I’m probably not realizing the trauma that I experienced when this disease first started

Coping - anxiety, tears, and fears

My first incident, this time around, was actually before I started the prednisone. I was supposed to start prednisone the week before but I wanted to wait a week and get a new blood test and hope that my liver enzymes and straighten them self out. My Primary Care Physician said it may be the trauma I had experienced the first time I had this disease that led to this.

I went to get the first of my weekly blood work and when I finished, I drove around to a store in the same strip mall. I got a few groceries then decided to go have a look around Marshalls. I was in Marshalls when I realized that I had a virtual appointment with my Functional Medicine Doctor that was to start in five minutes. How did I forget! I’ve never forgotten a doctor’s appointment and it was shocking to me. I left my cart in the store and went outside intending to sit in my car and have my appointment. I walked outside look at the parking lot and had no idea where my car was. My elevated liver enzyme had already depleted my energy and I walked all over the parking lot and couldn’t find my car. I started to feel panicky. I decided to walk back to the front of the store, took some deep breaths and then thought where did I walk from when I entered the store… a few more deep breaths and I realized I had walked along the sidewalk so I tried to retrace my steps and ended up in another section of the parking lot and eventually found my car. My primary care physician said I’m probably not realizing the trauma that I experienced when this disease first started. I think she was right, when I had my first experience with this disease, it was traumatic. There is more on this in a previous post.

The second incident happened after I spent the morning researching and talking to people about SSDI, Medicaid, therapy and handicap parking permits, getting prepared for my new round of medication. I had been on the phone with so many people. My husband and I had a nice lunch by the pool and then he went inside to continue his work and I got up to go water the plants and started feeling very odd. I had to sit down. I sat there for a few minutes, and the wind picked up and blew all the pool toys out of the pool. I was fatigued, but I couldn’t just leave it. It was frustrating. I grabbed all the pool toys, putting them back in the pool and became overwhelmed and thought what am I doing. I went back and sat down and started bawling. My husband heard me and came outside and sat with me encouraged me to breathe through it in a little while I was OK.

Tears

The Frisbee I was playing around with the frisbee threw it in the air saw it coming back down and thought it was missing me and took my eyes off of it. Clunk right on the head. It did hurt but not terribly just an nice knock on the head. What did it do? Just give me permission to cry. Sobbing tears streaming down my face. I didn’t realize how much I’ve been holding inside while managing this chronic illness. I probably said this before managing a chronic illness is a job and is a full-time job. It felt really good to cry was not of sadness or joy. Just a complete relief.

Top Golf. My husband and I decided to go to Top Golf for lunch. I brought my sanitation wipes, my hand disinfectant, special flavoring to put in my water, and of course a mask in my purse just in case. I made sure I wiped down my golf club handles, arms on my chairs. I hit a few balls for about three rounds and I just couldn't do anymore. I was having a nice time watching my husband, and it was very enjoyable. I started feeling really bad and overwhelmed with all the sanitizing and thought oh all these people around me can probably see how sick I am and how I awkwardly get in and out of this chair. I became overwhelmed and started crying. It was a silent cry. I was able to wipe my tears and no one even noticed.

Good news is my tear ducts haven’t been affected yet and are working great! In the past I have been unable to have tears and the eye doctor wanted to do surgery but when the medications stopped the eyes got better.

Yeah, it’s hard trying to put a positive spin on everything.