Sometimes I Don’t Cope and I Refuse to Make This Something Else I Have to Manage | Coping with life-altering events and chronic illness support.

Sometimes I reach the end of what I have and sometimes I don’t want to dig deeper and find another ounce of strength.

I want to have a day where chronic illness isn’t my job.

Because it is a job. A job nobody applied for. A job nobody trained for. A job with no vacation days, no sick days, and no clocking out at five.

What if I am angry? What if I’m tired of trying to turn this into something meaningful?

What if sometimes chronic illness is just miserable? 

What if I don’t want to find the lesson? What if I don’t have a silver lining? What if I don’t have anything inspiring to say? Not because I haven’t accepted reality. Not because I don’t appreciate what I have. Not because I don’t know that there are still good things in my life. I can know all of those things and still be angry.

I can be grateful and exhausted. I can love my life and hate what chronic illness has done to it. I can want to live and still be tired of the way I have to live. Those things can exist at the same time.

Maybe sometimes I don’t cope. Maybe sometimes I don’t find the lesson. Maybe sometimes I don’t look for the good. Maybe sometimes I am simply exhausted by the fact that this is my life. And maybe I don’t need to turn that feeling into anything else

It is not because I have not tried. I have tried harder than I want to admit. 

I’ve tried gratitude

I’ve tried acceptance

I’ve tried reframing things

I’ve tried finding something good in the middle of something terrible

I’ve tried being strong

I’ve tried pushing through

I’ve tried backing off

I’ve tried listening to my body

I’ve tried ignoring my body

I’ve tried medications that were supposed to help

I’ve tried medications that helped one thing and created another problem.

 And I’ve tried making peace with things I never asked for.

I have done the work and I am tired.

Not tired in the ordinary sense. I’m tired of having to manage a life that requires so much relentless management. There is always something.

Another symptom

Another appointment

Another test

Another decision

Another medication

Another side effect

Another thing to remember

Another thing to explain

Another thing to manage.

Manage my attitude!

And somehow, on top of all of that, I’m supposed to manage my attitude, too.

Stay positive.

Be grateful.

Find the lesson.

Look for the good.

Keep fighting.

Keep going.

Keep coping.

But what if I don’t?

What if sometimes I’m just angry?

What if I’m tired of trying to turn this into something meaningful?

What if I don’t want to find the lesson?

What if I don’t have a silver lining?

What if I don’t have anything inspiring to say?

Sometimes chronic illness is just miserable and sometimes I am sick and tired of pretending I need to find something beautiful about it.

I don’t need another reminder that other people have it worse. I know.

I don’t need someone to tell me how strong I am. I know I’m strong. I’ve had to be.

I don’t need another piece of advice about what I should try. I’ve tried.

Sometimes I don’t want to reframe it.

Sometimes I don’t want to accept it.

Sometimes I don’t want to make peace with it.

Sometimes I just want to be angry that this is my life.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe I don’t have to turn every horrible thing that happens to me into growth.

Maybe I don’t have to find the meaning.

Maybe I don’t have to be grateful for what chronic illness has taught me.

Because honestly? There are things I would have been perfectly happy never learning.

Things can exist at the same time.

I can appreciate the people I love and still hate what chronic illness has done to my life.

I can be grateful for what I have and still be furious about what I have lost.

I can know there are good things in my life and still have days when I don’t give a damn about finding them.

And I am tired of having to explain that.

I’m tired of explaining why I can do something one day and not the next.

Why I can go somewhere and then need to recover.

Why something that looks simple can wipe me out.

Why I sometimes disappear.

Why I can’t always show up the way I want to.

Why I can look fine and feel anything but fine.

I’m tired of explaining that I’m not lazy.

So I wrote about it in the companion blog to this is What you’re not seeing – What it Feels Like to Live Inside Chronic Illness.

Sometimes I just don’t cope

I’m not giving up.

I’m not being negative.

I’m not failing at coping.

Sometimes I reach the end of what I have and sometimes I don’t want to dig deeper and find another ounce of strength.

I want to stop.

Not forever. Just for a minute.

I want to stop having to figure everything out.

Stop managing.

Stop explaining.

Stop trying.

Stop making every damn thing into a lesson.

Maybe tomorrow I can pick it all back up again. Maybe I’ll make the appointments, take the medications and cope. But today I’m allowed to just be tired of this. I’m allowed to be angry. I’m allowed to hate this and I’m allowed to say it without it being a lesson. Because sometimes there is nothing to learn from this.

Sometimes I don’t cope and I refuse to make that another thing I have to manage.

Coping with life-altering events and chronic illness support.